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Monday, October 13th, 2008
10:50 pm
and well i'm fully in love

and a fucking loser too. I'm in love with a girl. A girl as I said I can't make a fucking read on. Heads or tails, but I know that she's happy. I know that because she's told me so. She seems a bit distant, but I'm smotherer at times so its all in all difficult to tell.

So I keep on thinking that... she is it. I think this about all he girls i've been with at one point or another. But i've never really bothered to put in the time and effort to keep a relationship going. This one is different. I'm determined to give it my best shot. But to not be overbearing... you know what I mean?

I mean I want to make sure that I talk to her often. Remain interesting, do things that she will enjoy. Take her places that are fun. Remain relevant. Not become that boyfriend who only shows up for a brief bit of time whenever he can just to cuddle and then dissapear for two weeks. That isn't what I want. I want to be more than that whenever possible. Because she deserves so much more than that. Because she deserves so much more than me. Because simply because I love her...


So I lay here in bed. Thinking and dreaming quietly about her. We are not perfect the two of us. But we have enough to keep it going. She makes me smile so. And the feeling of her in my arms is nothing short of sublime. She is very intelligent. She's quiet though. I'm not quiet sure why... but then again I'm fairly boisterous so how could that be really considered fair.


I just hope i'm not fucking things up by thinking too much...

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Sunday, August 10th, 2008
7:06 pm - no need for a subject just stream of conciousness
So the damn girl thing.

I think too much
I should just be happy, and i need to think positively b/c I know that positive thinking leads to well positive results. I just get ahead of myself and plan out my moves too far in advance. I hold back when I shouldn't and I say things that don't need to be said. All that being said I can't wait till Thursday and will literally be counting down the breaths till I see her next. Why? Because i'm fucking creepy. No. Because I am still a hopelessly hopeless romantic fool. I find myself smiling all the time when I talk to her i get nervous, play with my hair, and i feel like i might throw up sometimes. Simply b/c I can't make a read on her, and I can't lie myself into thinking that I can make a read on her. I can't tell if she's liking me or not. If she's losing interest or anything. I think maybe i'm coming on too strong and therefore I back off, but if I'm wrong am I just burying myself? I don't fucking know. I haven't worried like this in ages. I haven't had thoughts like this in a long time. Its obvious its because I really really like her. I feel like there is something special here, or there could be if I don't fuck it up. And thats my biggest fear. I'm going to fuck it up. But like i said. I can't let that thought take hold of me anymore. I'm Bernie. I'm fucking cute, I'm sweet, and nice. I'm moderately hysterical when I need to be. I'm not a slouch when it comes to intellect or conversation. I'm a little on the short side vertically, but once you look over that I'm pretty much stacked. Oh and I'm humble, did I mention my humility? Ok so I have one thing to improve on. But thats only natural.

With all of that being said. I'm happy. But i'm not happy because of her. Because thats not how happiness works. Its something that comes from within yourself. I'm happy because there's a road in front of me. One I'm excited to run and follow. But not run with my eyes on the trail, one that I'll take the time to look with my head up. Enjoying the sights smells and textures as I go along. because well what else is there to look forward too?

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Friday, August 8th, 2008
8:27 pm - last thoughts for the day
After I graduated college my dad told me he was very proud of me and all that I had done.
I guess he didn't expect me to rise to the top like I had with scouts and then with completing 2 majors in 4 years on top of being an RA and president of my fraternity. But he said something that bothered me a bit. He said something to the effect of, "You know you dont have to keep on doing stuff like that. Its ok." I guess what he meant was that I shouldn't feel like I can't slow down and take some time off the craziness. But well I don't know that I can do that...

I'm too determined. I think he may have created a monster. I don't want to stop excelling. I have big dreams and I've been working hard to make sure the come true. Why should I stop now? If my goal was to be a math teacher and just that well then I'd be content. But I want so much more. And I look forward to the challenge.

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2:37 pm - roll the dice
Another thought that I've had. When I make decisions I usually go for the option with the possibility of the greatest return... or the one that I believe has the best chance of having my desired outcome. This past week.... in the past few days really I had to make such a choice. To drop talking to a girl who I didn't think I'd have a future with for the chance at a long distance (1.5 to 3 hr drive) relationship with a girl I had been pining after for some time. So in normal Bernie fashion I took the long shot (or at least the more difficult option). Why? Because there are plenty fish in the sea? You have to strike while the iron is hot? Because she's a great talking and people watching partner? probably a mixture of all three with a bit of eye color changing magic thrown in there for good measure.

In other words... it doesn't really matter now. I've made my bed and its where I lay. Even if I feel like a heel for a few days. Someone I've known for four years or two weeks? Choices. And I've made mine.

I just need to relax and have fun. The rest will sort itself out because while I do not believe in much I do believe in people, and them wanting to do what is right. I also think things happen for a reason. Why this happened, I haven't a freaking clue. But I'm sure it will lead to something more interesting in my life and perhaps something awesome. Who the hell knows, but I'm prepared as ever to go on this adventure to figure it all out.

I go back to the stress management techniques i learned overt he last two years. I need to employ them again. Stop projecting, don't worry about the future, theres nothing you can do and you don't know what the hell will happen. So stop guessing. Stay in the present. Enjoy it.

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12:19 pm - You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away

And that is my absolute fantasy girl. The one who will say, "Baby lets just run away." To run off together into the sunset or sunrise and keep on going for days to start a new adventure. Not to run away from something we need to leave behind, but to run forward into a new life. One that we both will find fufilling and exciting.

I've found out a secret. That is that we only have one shot at this game. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that if you aren't enjoying yourself that you are probably doing something wrong, and should work to rectify that with all of your power as soon as possible. And that should be your number one priority in life. Being happy, followed next by being healthy (physially emotionally and socially). While happiness may seem like a selfish goal, I completely disagree. If you are not pleased with your life then how is it possible for you to add to anyone else's existence? While you can in bits and pieces you must be complete in order to give yourself to another. So I try to have a smile on my face as often as possible. I work hard to make sure that every day is enjoyable, and that if it can't be tomorrow will be a little better. I have to do this, its a promise I made myself. For the last 2 years I've been living on my own terms. I live by a few simple rules. One is do what I can to make my life enjoyable. The Second is do what I can to make other's happy. Third is be honest and open. Assuming I accept the responsibility for my actions then I don't think I can really go too wrong with telling the truth. Its a hard to argue against the concept. This was making me unhappy. I understand the concequences but I can't go through with this anymore. And then move on.

over a year and a half ago was the last time I posted here. Since that time I've become a good brother, but its time to move on from that. Not that I won't return to be a good brother at another time there is just too many other things on my plate at the moment. I have some new goals.

Be a great teacher.
I really need to be an excellent teacher. If I can't succeed at this then the last four years and all of my hopes and dreams will be for naught.

Obtain a Doctoral Degree from a good institution.
I want to be a professor.I want to research and read and write articles on education. For the last year a day hasn't passed when I haven't thought about this dream. In that time I've finally learned what real motivation feels like. Its not a red hot poker in your ass. Its an insatiable hunger and the unwillingness to give up. I have barely started down that road, but I can't forget my dreams. I'll be telling each of my students to dream big and work for their dreams. How hypocritical would it be if I didn't do the same?

Make a relationship work.
I've hit a point in my life when I want a real relationship. I want love again. I want to be in love with love and sloppy poetry. For the past year I haven't had the time, and I'm not saying that I have it now, but I want to make it. I want to create the time and the energy to put toward a relationship. I want it to be strong. I want to find her. And develop something with her that will last a good long time.

So why the return to writing? I have no idea. A good friend said a few months ago that she would want to read my thoughts again. And well, who am I not to oblige? I'm sure i'll have more thoughts later.

At least I sincerely hope so...

current mood: amused

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Sunday, January 14th, 2007
2:26 pm - i just needed to write
write again and again
am i meant to have it all?
have i done too much?
is there anyway i'm going to make it through off this this?
i can't stop asking myself a thousand questions
all of them i don't have an answer for
i'm worried, but i'm always worried so its nothing new
i'm worried that i've taken on too much,
that I really don't care about certain things i've taken on
that it is growing impossible for me to keep my head above water
i do feel like i'm drowning a little more every day
i have a horrible headache right now.

I'll do anything asked of me, anything thats spelled out for me.
In fact most of the time its already finished before they can put a period on the sentence
but
when i fuck up.
I fuck up good. Thats what it all boils down to essentially.
I have been thinking about dropping being an RA since the end of last year.
I didn't have anything to replace it with, now I do... I don't have a place to live, which would only add to the adventure.
I honestly don't care about my job as much as I used to.
I love it, not for the perks, but from what it allows me to do in terms of helping my crazy freshmen.
I do hate all the menial work and how people don't seem to understand how big of a job it can be at times,
I live here I live where i work, at 2 am i'm at work even if i'm asleep i'm at work.
Its impossible to escape it.
In the caff i get questions about scheduling and when the REC center closes.
and i have no idea about either of those things.
The problem is that I have my own shit
and more of it. and i want more of my own life.
I really want to not worry about programing dates and bulliten boards door decorations and which door knob is falling off this week.
And moving one of my resident's belongings because they didn't move them last semester.
I forgot i had to do it, and i'm sorry.
I jsut don't know what i want to do anymore. not that i ever did.

I'm just trying to get everything back together again...
I've felt like i've been falling apart for a while
I'm confused about everything
this really isn't for anyone to read its just for me to write and get it all out of my system so i can function again.
I'm just an ass. I need to figure things out and cut the rest loose.
If that means that I drop being an RA, then thats what it means.
I just have a horrible time quitting things.
Leaving places and such. Its hard for me.

and now for something completely realated
I need to figure things out for myself.
I need to figure myself out

what do i want?
a relationship?
a degree?
to teach?
to be a good brother?
to have a great time?
to be in love?
to write poetry again?
to be healthier?
to feel ok again?
to just relax for a minute?

the honest answer is i want all of those things and more.
is it too much? it does sound like my picture of perfection.
so it probably is too much because nothing is perfect.
and maybe thats it i need to sacrafice something to survive.
I just need to give up on something.
but i can't.
I'd rather die trying. which is starting to look like a possibility.

Edit:
I just reread this. i'm not editing it for the typos but for my problems i have realized.
I have a problem asking for help.
I actually have a problem telling people what i'm thinking sometimes.
Its because i'm afraid
of what they'll think
i afraid what once people see who i am, they won't like it.
because everyone is afraid to be alone.
and I have a serious problem with asking for help.
I feel horrible when i ask for help.
I don't feel like I deserve it most of the time.
I get offered help/advice all the time.
I can't handle it.
and thats real
thats me
take it or leave it.

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Friday, November 24th, 2006
1:39 am
i miss writing
i'm so tired right now
but i'm not sleeping
i can't really explain why not
well
i stay wake because there is a chance something will happen
what?
i'm not really sure
but i'm just afraid that i'll miss it
i'll miss my chance for something
something better than this
whatever this is right now
well thats a lie
because this is nothing
nothing as happened
but i don't want to miss tha chance for it to become something
even if i have no idea what that is
better
or worse


i just wish
but wishing is pointless
i need to work
and try
and if it happens it will

it will

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
12:11 am - i've got a feeling this is going to be a rant
so my life
welcome back to it
ehem
this summer was excellent
i have come back to school this semester with a new mindset
that is to make this year
and all of them hence, just as fun as this summer
which is a lofty goal.
so far, not too bad. its tolerable
more than that i'm trying to put as much on my plate as possible
why
i dunno being an RA and student wasn't enough trouble for me i guess.
i just like to see what i can do
test myself
something sadistic in nature most likely.
and i'm not waiting either
why bother waiting?!
why not live now
thats all i have left right?
ha the word left is to the left of right
it amuses me
so it goes
(two points if you know what author i stole the last line from)
...
..
.
It was kurt Vonnegut
moving along
so i applied for a job on campus
becaue money is nice
i've been trying to get out there and meet new people
how
through friends i've met a few people
nothing has really come of it though
i have permission to go greek (join a fraternity) this semester
I only want to join one
the more i think about it
the more worried i get
i get worried that it might be too much
that if i do get in
what else might suffer
grades, relationships with non-greeks, RA job
i have decieded if i get a bid, and if i pledge
and if it goes sour i'll get out and get back to the RA job.

i've been going to the gym
ok i missed it on monday, but monday was nutz
i'm getting back on the horse tomorrow though
come hell or high water or something equally horrible
carr and i have started talking again
which is odd, but not

i don't know i really didn't expect to ever hear from her again

so it goes
so life goes
and i wouldn't have it any other way
completely random
unexplainable in most senses
beauty at everyturn of horror.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.

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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
11:43 pm
if i could open my arms
and span of length of the isle of manhattan
i've bring it to where you are
making a lake of the east river and husdon

if i could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

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Friday, August 25th, 2006
11:46 pm
and at this point and time
its been a while
i'd just like to exchange hellos

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8:14 am
the end of the best summer of my life
now starts the best semester ever
or what i'm hoping will be the best semester ever
i can't wait for my residents to move in
but really i'd be happy with just the seven of us in the building
on another note
i love cranberry juice
and
granola bars
the typical bernie college breakfast
and its 8 am and i'm awake and showered
this is amazing
lets see how long before i get back in the usual 11am wake ups
be well
enjoy it all

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Sunday, August 6th, 2006
9:01 am - summer of the slip and slide
every friday myself tom and alex go out on the parade field
we do this around 1 am
and then we set up a slip and slide with hot water
boiling hot usually
and soap
any soap we can find
shampoo, body wash, dish soap, laundry detergent
then we all slip and slide
its hyysterical and the most fun i've had
keep in mind we are the managment staff
lol
so last friday someone stole our slip and slides
they thought they could ruin our fun
instead alex went out and bought a 24' x 40' tarp
it is fucking huge.
we set that monster up at 1:30 am and had a blast still.
new plan
if we dont go back to camp next summer
i'm going on a road trip.

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Saturday, July 15th, 2006
10:56 pm - banana pancakes
i had somehing to say
let me think for a moment
i guess i have two things
dates are randomly important to me
i can remember the dates that i met people
anniversaries those sorts of things
02-12-02
12-05-02
12-06-02
yea i don't know why
i think some days have completely changed who i am
you'll never know these days when they happen.
they're the slow days you replay in your head
and enjoy the moment you met your best friend
again and again
at a poetry guild coffee house in highschool
or randomly at school

and now my other thing i was going to say doesn't seem that important

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Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
8:35 pm - to camp i go
goodbye everyone.
i'm heading off to camp
maybe i'll make random posts here on the weekend
to keep people up to date
but don't forget my cell phone works at camp
and to my summer pen pals don't hesitate to send me a letter
i'll be sure to write back
and i'll try to make sure its neat
-bee

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2:44 am - my last supper
or something like that
thats what tonight feels like
i'm hanging out with the guys tonight and its good times
we're over joes apt.
its me joe, seth, jay, aj, matt and brandie
well brandie is asleep so its just the six of us out here.
i'm not sure why i felt the way i did today.
i'm listening to elliott smith
tomorrow i'm going to camp
its going to be great
i'm so excited
but i need to start packing
i'm not going to home till the am so i guess that isn't the best idea
but it will get done
ah oh well
what can you do
rock on
bernie

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Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
4:43 pm - no time for explaination
i have no idea what is causing this but
i have a horrible feeling that something bad has/is going to happen
to someone i care about.
could i just be crazy
probably
but i think its equally likely that its true
i hope all is well to those i know
best wishes for the summer
bee

ps i'm going to camp tomorrow
so the cell phone is wonderful as is the address of csr
229 brookville rd
barnegat nj 08005
you know who to address it to.

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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
11:30 am - i find it hard to sleep well these days
the castle wall is crumbling
just has i've always been a bumbling
fool of sorts.
the last knight in shining armour
searching for solace
found the last standing tower in the palace.
there i set out to make my final stand
but as i entered my last command.
i was already surrounded
she had permiated my last resort.
I was without retort
not that it would matter
those who live in dreams don't hear chatter.

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Friday, June 2nd, 2006
10:58 am - goodbye for now
Goodbye
i'm heading to camp school tomorrow in PA
tonight i'll be hanging out with nick in moorestown
and crashing at his place for the night
feel free to call my cell during the week
however i probably won't be able to call you back until the evening
w00t!
later on
bee

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
1:13 am
and its a little after one am
i think i'm going to start reading a book
i haven't been sleeping much lately
i just want summer camp to start
so i'll have lots of things to do
and be having a great non boring time

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Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
4:06 pm - If you find yourself caught in love
If you find yourself caught in love
Say a prayer to the man above
Thank him for everything you know
You should thank him for every breath you blow
If you find yourself caught in love
Say a prayer to the man above
You should thank him for every day you pass
Thank him for saving your sorry ass
If you’re single, but looking out
You must raise your prayer to a shout
Another partner must be found
Someone to take your life beyond
Another TV “I Love 1999”
Just one more box of cheapo wine
If you find yourself caught in love
You should say a prayer to the man above
If you don’t listen to the voices then my friend
You’ll soon run out of choices
What a pity it would be
You talk of freedom don’t you see
The only freedom that you’ll ever really know
Is written in books from long ago
Give up your will to Him that loves you
Things will change, I’m not saying overnight
But something has to give
You’re too good looking not to live
If you find yourself out of love
Shed a tear for the one you love
Tell your boss that you’ve gone away
Down your tools for a holiday
If you’re going off to war then I wish you well
But don’t be sore
If I cheer the other team
Killing people’s not my scene
I prefer to give the inhabitants a say
Before you blow their town away
I like to watch them play
I like to marvel at the random beauty of a simple village girl
Why should she be the one who’s killed? If you find yourself caught in love...

current mood: Scottish indie rockness

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