Bee (bumble) (thecodepoet) wrote,
Bee (bumble)
thecodepoet

i just needed to write

write again and again
am i meant to have it all?
have i done too much?
is there anyway i'm going to make it through off this this?
i can't stop asking myself a thousand questions
all of them i don't have an answer for
i'm worried, but i'm always worried so its nothing new
i'm worried that i've taken on too much,
that I really don't care about certain things i've taken on
that it is growing impossible for me to keep my head above water
i do feel like i'm drowning a little more every day
i have a horrible headache right now.

I'll do anything asked of me, anything thats spelled out for me.
In fact most of the time its already finished before they can put a period on the sentence
but
when i fuck up.
I fuck up good. Thats what it all boils down to essentially.
I have been thinking about dropping being an RA since the end of last year.
I didn't have anything to replace it with, now I do... I don't have a place to live, which would only add to the adventure.
I honestly don't care about my job as much as I used to.
I love it, not for the perks, but from what it allows me to do in terms of helping my crazy freshmen.
I do hate all the menial work and how people don't seem to understand how big of a job it can be at times,
I live here I live where i work, at 2 am i'm at work even if i'm asleep i'm at work.
Its impossible to escape it.
In the caff i get questions about scheduling and when the REC center closes.
and i have no idea about either of those things.
The problem is that I have my own shit
and more of it. and i want more of my own life.
I really want to not worry about programing dates and bulliten boards door decorations and which door knob is falling off this week.
And moving one of my resident's belongings because they didn't move them last semester.
I forgot i had to do it, and i'm sorry.
I jsut don't know what i want to do anymore. not that i ever did.

I'm just trying to get everything back together again...
I've felt like i've been falling apart for a while
I'm confused about everything
this really isn't for anyone to read its just for me to write and get it all out of my system so i can function again.
I'm just an ass. I need to figure things out and cut the rest loose.
If that means that I drop being an RA, then thats what it means.
I just have a horrible time quitting things.
Leaving places and such. Its hard for me.

and now for something completely realated
I need to figure things out for myself.
I need to figure myself out

what do i want?
a relationship?
a degree?
to teach?
to be a good brother?
to have a great time?
to be in love?
to write poetry again?
to be healthier?
to feel ok again?
to just relax for a minute?

the honest answer is i want all of those things and more.
is it too much? it does sound like my picture of perfection.
so it probably is too much because nothing is perfect.
and maybe thats it i need to sacrafice something to survive.
I just need to give up on something.
but i can't.
I'd rather die trying. which is starting to look like a possibility.

Edit:
I just reread this. i'm not editing it for the typos but for my problems i have realized.
I have a problem asking for help.
I actually have a problem telling people what i'm thinking sometimes.
Its because i'm afraid
of what they'll think
i afraid what once people see who i am, they won't like it.
because everyone is afraid to be alone.
and I have a serious problem with asking for help.
I feel horrible when i ask for help.
I don't feel like I deserve it most of the time.
I get offered help/advice all the time.
I can't handle it.
and thats real
thats me
take it or leave it.
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